Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
