I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
