I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
