No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
