you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
