new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
