THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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