I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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