I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
