How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
