I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
