good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
