I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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