I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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