I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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