if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
