I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
