I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
