you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Randomize
