I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm bleeding and have questions
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
