Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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