I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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