someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
