Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
