I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
