He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
