I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
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