I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
