I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
