My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
