i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
