someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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