Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
