need another drink. this is the easiest way
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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