Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
