Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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