and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
