Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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