My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
