I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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