I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
