On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my fart just growled at me.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
