I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
