I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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