I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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