I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
