sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
