We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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