A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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