Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
