she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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