I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
