I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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