i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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