She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I know her cup size but not her name....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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