I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
